I am going to apologize in advance... I have had so many thoughts lately that I have been wanting to get on here. I have been reading so much and growing spiritually that my thoughts are ever increasing. So here I am at 11:45 at night thinking that I better do it before my brain gets even more out of control. So please forgive that this may be long and jumbled (since it's a little jumbled in my head) but I am going to do my best to get them out in a way that may be understanding.
Do I love it?
My brain started feeling like it can't take on anymore when I decided that I needed to grow more, spiritually. In conference October 2012 Sister Dibb said:
"I'm a Mormon, I know it, I live it, I love it!"
I am a Mormon. I know that I am a Mormon and I know the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I live it, well I try to live it the best that I can, I make mistakes, but for the most part I try to live it everyday. It was the last phrase that got to me, "I Love it" I have really not thought about it like that before. I love my Father in Heaven, I love my Savior, I love my family. But do I really l L.O.V.E it? Do I yearn for it in my everyday life? Do I get excited about it? Or have I just been idling by going with the flow of being a Mormon? I didn't like that! My Father in Heaven has given me so much that I need to LOVE it more. I wanted to get a yearning for what the gospel and being a Mormon really means. I decided that some things needed to change. I needed to stop just sitting around, rather, I needed to really soak up all the Gospel has to offer.
I decided that I would start by reading more Gospel literature. I got an app on my iPad that is called, "the gospel library" I decided that I would pick a conference year and read one conference talk a day from that year. Well it turned out that it wasn't once a day and sometimes I couldn't put it down and it would be 3 a day. It is strange, the more that I read the more I wanted to read. I couldn't wait till the next day to start reading again. I loved the feeling that I got by really studying the words of the prophets and their councilors. Whenever I listed to conference I think, "Oh I liked that saying, that was good" but that is the extent of that thought in my head. With this app I have been highlighting, tagging, and note taking directly on the talk. I seem to think about it the rest of the day, and I am more likely applying it to my everyday life. It makes me thirsty to constantly have that everlasting truth going through my mind. My brother just got home from a mission in the Philippines. And I envy him and all those missionaries, that all they do all day long for two years straight is constantly have Heavenly Father and the Savior in their minds. Everything they do for two years is in direct line with the spirit. How amazing would that be to always know feel the spirit with you?! By reading these talks it has helped me recognize the spirit in my everyday life.
The still small voice
Speaking of recognizing the spirit I recently had an experience of just that. I am in a habit of leaving my keys in my car at night when I get home from work. I figure that I have so much to carry in the morning when I am trying to get me and Lou out the door that by leaving my keys safely in the car that is in the garage it is one less thing for me to remember and carry in the morning. Well one night after I got home I walked out of my car with my keys. I was almost in the house when I realized I had them in my hand. I walked back over to the car and tried to open the door. Well it was locked. I thought that when I got into my car after work and unlocked the door I only pushed the unlock button once (unlocking just the driver's door) instead of twice unlocking all the doors. So I thought that my drivers door was open and just the rest were locked. Well I had left the window open just a crack on the passenger side so I decided to by lazy... not walk around to the other side and just slip my keys in through the crack of the window. As I stuck them in I realized that if I just drop them they will fall in-between the seat and the door. So I tried maneuvering my hand so that I could swing the keys ever so slightly to land on the seat. It was awkward to make this work and the thought went through my head, "with all this work you mine-as-well go to the other side" but as quickly as that thought left my mind I had swung the keys onto the seat. Well the next day came I was running a bit behind and a little frazzled trying to get out the door. I had a lot of stuff to carry out and had a quick thought in my head, "maybe I should take a few things out before I have to carry Rayni out too, Nah... I should be able to get everything out with her." Zach had just left about 10 minutes before Rayni and I were walking out into the garage. Arms full of stuff and her. I walked over to her door and remembered it was locked leaned over to open my door and realized it was locked as well. I looked on the seat and there were the keys locked in the car. GREAT!!!! already running late and now my keys are locked in the car. My first thought was out neighbor who was a cop, maybe he could break in for me. But His car was already gone for the day. Then I saw a hot dog poker and thought I could get them out with that. As I was walking towards the car with the hot dog poker I thought that I should maybe call Zach. Well this is not the first time I had done this and I didn't want to upset him, I thought I could do it it looked so easy. Well after 5 minutes of no luck and Rayni running barefoot through the garage, I thought I had better call. He of course was not happy that he had to turn around and come all the way home, and it made him even more mad that I could have called him sooner. But he came got them out, and we went on throughout our day. It wasn't until later that I realized the spirit was trying to help this not happen from the moment I first noticed that one of the doors was locked. There was whisper after whisper and thought after thought. Then I just didn't pay attention too. As much as this was not a pleasant experience I think that this is the first time that I have truly noticed the spirit really trying to help me. I always get goosebumps and feelings that I know the Gospel is true, but this is the first time I can remember him helping me prevent a not so pleasant experience. I love that after I look back on it how close he was and how hard he was trying to help me. I know he has done this before, but because I wasn't "loving it" I wasn't recognizing it. I hope that I will recognize it more.
My many hats
My New Year's resolution this year was to be the best mother, wife, and daughter of God I could be. I feel like some days I do good at one but then one is lacking. I recently had a conversation with my hubbie that was not something I wanted to hear... but it was most definitely something that I needed to hear. We were discussing how we have changed over the past 6 1/2 years. Not trying to be rude at all but being honest Zach pointed out some of the ways I have changed. I was taken back on really how much I have changed... and really not for the better on a lot of things. I started to really look at myself and how I can improve. Today in General Conference (adding more thoughts to my already full brain) the young women's president quoted a quote that she found on a trip in Scotland.
What-e'er thou art, act well thy part
This hit me like a ton of bricks. Am I being the best I can be with all my roles? Am I acting well at all my parts? I need to act well my part 100% of the time with the many different hats I wear. It can get overwhelming at times, and no I am not perfect... But I heard something that would make it a little easier:
Wearing your sins on your sleeve
I recently heard of a convert to the church called, The tattooed Mormon. She is the sweetest looking girl that has tattoo sleeves on both arms. Most of us are able to hide our sins from the world, this girl has them on her sleeve for the world to see. After moving to Utah and facing challenges of being judged by her look she made a decision on how she would live her life.
I had to make a decision. And it's a decision I have to make every day. One you have to make every day. Several times a day. And what that is, to choose to get mad. Choose to get offended. Bothered. Confused. Or ... not.
The decision to keep going. The decision to be happy and follow the Spirit and counsel given ... or not. Choose to have faith. Choose to trust. Or not. What it came down to, and what it always will come down to, is choose God. Or not.
I think that the reason why I have changed a lot is because I was choosing to get mad at times, I would get offended very easily, I was easily bothered, and often times I would be confused on taking on my new role as a mother and still doing everything else that I already did. I was missing some very important basic gospel principals, follow the spirit, ponder cousel, have faith, trust, and most importantly (the thing I feel I have lost the most) is to be happy. I have everything I would ever need. I am truly blessed and loved, I have no reason not to be happy. But some how I feel I have lost my happy-self that I once had. I want it back. I am going to be living my life by this basic principal:
choose God
When those times arise where you have to make that same decision I did, think to yourself, "Is this worth giving up my eternal salvation? Is that comment your ward member said to you worth giving up your eternal happiness? Is that look someone just gave you worth giving up the profound, indescribable blessings Heavenly Father has to give to you? Is it worth stopping yourself from returning to live with Him again? Is it worth your exaltation?"
Choose. Choose daily. Choose God.
When I come upon those times that make me mad, when I get offended, bothered, or confused... I am going to think, "is this worth my eternal happiness?" by repeating this in my head I feel that I will better be able to handle the trying times that Satan likes to through my way.
Being more grateful
Along with choosing God I need to show more that I am grateful for what I have. My brother recently returned home from the Philippines. Hearing the stories from him and from my parents when they went to pick him up I became humbled. The people over there are simple and giving. My mom said that they wanted to share everything they had when they would enter there home. She stated that it was difficult for them to eat their food knowing that they had so little.
I grew up with everything that I could ask for... well sorda. Yes there were things that I wanted that may parents wouldn't let me have. But I always had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes on my back, a car to drive, a loving and supportive family, vacations to go on, and an occasional splurge on fun things. It was pretty easy going. My hubbie, on the other hand, did not have all the things listed above. Yes he had a loving and supportive family, he had a roof over his head, food to eat, and clothes on his back. But because of certain situations his mother had to work more than one job, the roof over his head sometimes had the lights turned off because bills could not always be met, he had ramen and other simple foods because money was used on more important things, his clothes were often ducktaped to stay together. He didn't get to go on amazing vacations, and there was never anything left over for a surprise splurge. When we got married our biggest issues were money. We had completely different views on it and what it should be used for. You could say that we were both on the opposites of extremes. It has taken us a long time... and we continue to work on it... but we have both met closer in the middle and been able to work things out.
As I look at so many women in person and on TV and the fabulous fashions it is very difficult for me not to want want want. In recent conversations with my hubbie he has stated that he wants to be able to provide everything that I and Rayni want, but there are other things that come first. He feels bad when I get that look after it is discussed that we can't afford something. I need to take a step back and realize that it isn't so important that I have all these amazing clothes. I won't be able to take them to heaven. It is nice to have great things, but it can also become an extreme where it becomes worldly. I need to remember all those out there that have one shirt to wear, ducktape holding their shoes together, no food to eat, no roof over their head. I am truly blessed to be in the situation that I am in and to have all that I have. I need to show more appreciation to my Heavenly Father for all that he has given me.
Abraham Lincoln
You may not be aware of my love for history. I love to learn about things that happened in the past. I love to learn about wars and watch war movies. I love learning about WWII and stories about the holocaust. Some say it is strange that love such sad things. But it isn't the sadness I love it is the amazing survivors and what you can overcome.
Well one of my Heroes is Abraham Lincoln. He set the stage for so many possibilities for everyone. He fought hard for what he believed in and he never gave up. He was faced with many trials of his mother, stepmother, sister, father, passing away and only 1 of his 4 children lived to adulthood. He also faced the daunting task of being a president during a very difficult time in our nation. The Civil War went on for 4 years. For a good majority of this time Abraham devoted his time to ending slavery. He failed many times with many great ideas. But he continued to fight for what he believed in. I recently watched the movie Lincoln. If you have not seen this movie, you must! There were many times in the movie that I would just shake my head in unbelief of just how amazing this man truly was. There were many times in the movie that I was moved, however, there were three specific times in the movie that I was in complete "aw" of him.
Euclid's first common notion is this:
"Things which are equal to the same thing are equal to each other."
When Mr. Loncoln was stating this statement, he was discussing the equal rights of man. We are all made in the image of our Father in Heaven. We are all equal to him. If we are equal to the same thing then we are equal to each other. Meaning we all have the same rights as sons and daughters of God as the person next to us. It does not matter the color of our skin, where we live, what we wear, our social status, or how our brains work. Thus, we should not judge the other for being different because we are all equal in the eyes of our maker and our Father.
Do you think we choose the times into which we are born?
Or do we fit the times we are born into?
I loved it when he said this! Both of these statements are absolutely true. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we know that we chose our family and we knew before we came here the trials we would face. We knew what we were getting ourselves into, but yet we were willing to take on the challenge. We also fit in the times we were born into. Heavenly Father knew specifically when he wanted us to be on Earth. There are certain things that can only be done by those that are chosen to be here. Mr. Lincoln was chosen to be on this Earth when he was in order to stop slavery and start the ball rolling for human rights. I was put on this Earth at this time to be the wife to my amazing hubbie, to be a mother to my little Lou, to be a teacher to amazing kiddos, and many other things that come my way. I can't even imagine what the world would have been like without Abraham Lincoln without president Gordon B. Hinkley, without George Washington, without Martin Luther King Jr., without my mother, my father, my family, etc. We were meant to be here to change our little part of this Earth. Every single one of us counts in the plan, we all have a part and a role, lets make sure we do our best to live up to our potential.
A compass, I learnt when I was surveying, it'll... it'll point you True North from where you're standing, but it's got no advice about the swamps and deserts and chasms that you'll encounter along the way. If in pursuit of your destination, you plunge ahead, heedless of obstacles, and achieve nothing more than to sink in a swamp... What's the use of knowing True North?
Wow! Zach and I rewound it a few times just to hear him say this again. This has so much, maybe not all that Lincoln was meaning by saying it. But I sure got a lot out of just these few little lines. There are so many things that can be considered your "compass". When we look at the church there really only seems to be one compass that we can rely on. This compass, however, differs from the compass that Mr. Lincoln is referring to because it does give advice of the swamps and deserts and chasms that we may encounter. It not only tells you what you could encounter... it also tells you how you can overcome those obstacles. The Book of Mormon is our true compass to this life. I have not taken my own advice in any way that I should be. I have been just causally reading them. Yes I do make an effort of reading them every night. But it is always right before I am going to bed and I am already super tired so it ends up just being a few versus. And I am just reading to check off that I read that night. So many of us know true north, Eternal Life. That is our goal! "...Keep and eye single to the Glory of God..." While we are in pursuit of this goal, we can't close our eyes to the warnings and obstacles we can face on our journey. If we are heedless of the obstacles that the scriptures and prophets warn us about and we close our eyes to the dangers that may lay ahead we won't achieve our goal. My goal is for my ENTIRE family to have Eternal Life. If I am going to be able to accomplish that I need to prepare my family and myself for the dangers that lie ahead. We have an "army knife" compass. A compass that can do so much for us. We need to take serious the book that so many amazing people risked their lives for us to have it.
To close my thoughts on Lincoln I found this quote that a person had written in a review about a book on Lincoln:
We would describe Lincoln today as a man who was tough but fair. He sought
compromise and took into account the possible "fruits" of whatever he was
proposing. He was not an absolutist. He realized that the real world was a prism
with shades of gray. He was never capricious, as he researched and pondered
deeply all his beliefs and subsequent actions. Like any human being he was not
perfect and because of his legend it is easy to fall into thinking that he was
saint like. He was a truly good-hearted man, who was keenly intelligent and
insightful.
I just loved this about one of our most beloved Presidents. It makes me want to be a better person. Fight harder for what I believe in, for my familys, for my standards, and for my goals.
Like I stated before... I have always appreciated this man. My respect grew for him when I saw this billboard:
I saw this billboard after 4 years of failing a math test. I kept failing my math classes in college. I felt my only way to pass math to get my degree was to test out. I went to a tutor that worked with me for 4 years to help me pass that test that would forever free me from a math class. I took that test so many times, an unimaginable amount of times. Every time I would fail I would get so down on myself and just feel hopeless. I had family members fast for me several times to try to help. I had my family constantly encouraging me. I would pray my heart out and be in tears in my car every time before I walked into the building begging Heavenly Father to please let this time be the time I pass. But nothing seemed to work. After 4 years and a week of going and taking that test every day I finally passed!!!! I cried as I called everyone to tell them the good news. After I had called everyone and was on my way home I saw this billboard. I again started to cry. President Lincoln is such an example to us of persistence, never giving up on what you believe in or know you can accomplish.
This really is just a tiny bit of what I have in my head. My knowledge is growing, I am craving knowing more. I am so grateful for my parents and the example they set forth for me. I am grateful for my ever groing testimony. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father for all that he has blessed me with. I am grateful for my little family and my big family. I want to live up to my potential and be prepared to help my husband in creating our world when we reach our goal... eternal life. I am truly blessed and want to show my thankfulness by becoming a very knowledgeable daughter of God
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