I decided that now more than ever is the best time to write a blog. I should have started this about 8 months ago when my hubbie and I found out that we were FINALLY having a baby. “FINALLY” being in bold because it was not an easy road. But like most wonderful things in this world they don’t come easy, but the end result is something that makes it all worth it. I wanted to write this blog like it is meant to be my journal. I love that when my little Rayni Lou is older she can read this and see just how much her mommy and daddy love her. She can read about the struggles we have faced as a little family but seem to have pulled through every time. But most importantly she can read about how having the gospel in our family’s lives, the priesthood, the savior as a constant companion, prayer, scriptures, and most of all a lot and a lot of love is the recipe for having a strong knitted family that can outlast whatever this world wants to throw at us.
The making of this little family started when Zach and I were sealed in the Salt Lake temple on September 16th 2006. Some might say that we rushed a little into getting married. Started dating in February, engaged in June, and married in September. Bless my sweet mommy’s heart, she was the most concerned. It was a little frustrating back then that she seemed nervous about the marriage but looking back now, and that I am going to be a mom, I know it is because she loved me enough to worry about me. She only wanted to best for me, just like I want the best for my Rayni Lou. And yes there are times that I look back and think maybe my mom was right we should have waited. But then I look at all I have to be grateful for and how far Zach and I have come that it has all been worth it!
Zach and I have jokingly said to each other that we never really had a “honeymoon” stage at the beginning of our marriage. I remember on the first couple of years of marriage I kept thinking, “When is that honeymoon stage supposed to kick in?” It was hard!!! I am totally girly girl and love everything about weddings. Growing up in a Disney freaked family I believed in the getting married and living happily ever after… IMMEDIAETLY!!! I never realized how difficult it would be to take two completely different personality people, put them in a home together, and expect everything to be perfect. I am here to tell you the honest truth… it is not easy!!! Zach then and to this day comments on how stubborn I am. I know I get that from the McNeely’s especially my Papa Syd. But I would also tell Zach that he is also very stubborn… he had to be. He didn’t grow up with the easiest of circumstances and practically lived in survival mode for all of it. Well as you can guess these two stubborn personalities liked to crash and butt heads more that one wants to count.
I can honestly say that I am amazed that we were able to get through it. But I want Rayni Lou to know when she reads this years from now that this can show you that having the gospel, the priesthood, the savior as a constant companion, prayer, scriptures, and most of all a lot and a lot of love is what got us through. It has now been 5 years since Zach and I were sealed in the temple and right now we are enjoying our “honeymoon stage”. Now I don’t want this to sound like I know we are out of the woods on the hard days and trials. Because I know there are going to be some hard ones yet to come. But now that we have a much much stronger relationship than we have ever had before that will help us in the trials to come.
There are several things that helped Zach’s and my relationship grow. But there is one trial in our lives that I think can and will take the most credit. And that is getting pregnant. I have been not so blessed with the dreaded polycystic ovarian syndrome when I was a teenager. I was told at the beginning that when it was time for me to have kids it would not be easy. I never expected it to be “not so easy” as it was. Before I go into details of this I also want it to be made known that I am one of the lucky ones out there that has PCOS. I know that there are a lot of women out there that have it much worse than I and have been through so much more than I have. And even though having PCOS has not been fun in the least I am lucky that I have come out on the other side as being lucky.
Ok anyway… when Zach and I talked to my parents about getting married I can still remember the first thing that came out of my Daddy’s mouth, “You have to promise me that you will still finish school!” I made that promise and through all the trials that came along with that I kept my promise to my dad. Even though there were many times that I was going to quit, I couldn’t let my daddy down. After 5 years I graduated in June of 2011.
Knowing myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses if we got pregnant while I was going to school I wouldn’t finish. I just knew that I wouldn’t. So we waited. There were many times that I got so baby hungry and Zach kept me rooted, but there were many times that Zach became very baby hungry and I had to keep him rooted. And from what you read above it was a good thing that we waited to have a baby because we were not in the best environment (caused by our own stubbornness) to bring a baby here yet. So about 8 months prior for my planned graduation we decided that we were ready to start trying for a baby. Nothing happened for a while. Then things started to get into motion. A ride that was not fun and at times I wanted to get off! We started out with a false positive test. One day we took the test and it was positive. Nothing can explain that sight on a little pee stick that says you are pregnant. Zach and I both started to cry with joy! It was one of the best feelings! The next day I kept having this strange feeling that I needed to take another one. I was refusing my feelings at first and didn’t want to. It was almost like I knew deep down there was something wrong and I didn’t want to know. Well I got over it and took another one. It was negative. I was so confused and didn’t know what to think. I called the Dr and they ordered a blood test just to make sure. Well that came out negative. To go from being the happiest I had ever been to being almost the lowest I had been was not an easy thing to swallow. But we put the gloves back on and continued to go to work. We wanted a baby and nothing was going to stop us.
The next couple of times followed with negative tests. Our plan to have a baby close to after graduation slowly was slipping. It was very frustrating because I am a planner and I had this all planned out. And when my plan doesn’t go accordingly it isn’t easy for me. That was an “Ah Ha” moment for me… We are not here on Earth according to “OUR” plan but rather the plan of our Heavenly Father. And as crappy as this was turning out to be we knew that Heavenly Father has a reason for everything and he had our best interest at heart. Well after a lot of negative tests we finally got a positive one. I immediately called the Dr and they ordered another test just to be sure this time, and it was positive!!! Again we were on top of the moon! But while on the moon there was that feeling of don’t get too excited things could change in an instant. And Zach and I kept reminding ourselves of that. In October or 2010 Zach and I went on a trip to NY to visit some of Zach’s family. We were having a blast. We got to do things that we normally would never be able to do. Closer to the end of our trip we went to dinner. I had excused myself to go to the restroom. Only then to find out that I was spotting. I knew that that was normal and that at the beginning most women do spot. So I wasn’t too freaked out yet… but I was close. I went back to the table and whispered to Zach what the problem was. It was a difficult moment because we hadn’t told anyone we were pregnant and Zach and I couldn’t really discuss anything there at dinner. So we were left the rest of the dinner to wonder and worry. The spotting continued throughout the rest of the trip and till we got home a couple of days later. We returned on a Sunday and I was going to call the Dr Monday. Well I got scared! I didn’t want to call. I didn’t want to know what they would say. So I stalled. I didn’t call and about half way through Monday my back began to hurt the worst I had ever felt. I was still refusing to face this head on. Finally Zach told me that I would have to call and that we couldn’t just ignore this. I called them Tuesday morning and explained the problem. The nurse reassured me that this is normal in most women. But let’s get you in just to make sure. Zach was at work and was going to meet me there. I prayed so hard before I left that everything would be ok. I didn’t want to face the reality of what could have been happening alone. The blessing that my hubbie gave me the night before played a huge role in my drive over to the Dr. I felt so calm. I felt like everything was going to be ok. Well I got there first but Zach was right behind me. We sat in the waiting room saying nothing to each other but squeezing hands as tight as we could. We didn’t wait long before they took us back to the ultrasound room. There was the nurse and our Dr there with us. They began the ultrasound. As soon as the image popped up on the screen I knew the answer. There was a little circle… sack looking thing but nothing inside. The Dr very quietly pointed out that that was the sack and at 8 weeks along we would see a little peanut shaped object there in the middle. The sac was empty. They finished up the ultrasound and the Dr began to tell me my options. Either surgery to remove the remainder of what once was or with help from some medication I could do it at home. He left the room so Zach and I could discuss. We decided that I didn’t have time for recovery from surgery because I was student teaching at the time. So we opted for the medication and being at home. He came back in and we told him our answer. I was very numb from the ultrasound till now. I didn’t cry, didn’t show any emotion, and talked like it was all business. Once we told him our decision I broke down. My chin began to tremble and the tears were soon to follow. Zach stood up and put his arms around me. It was a weird experience because it was mine and Zach’s word crashing down around us and we were experiencing it with other people in the room. I just wanted to click my red heels and be home. I didn’t want others to see me like this. I didn’t want to walk out of that room and have everyone else there see me like this. I wanted to hide under my covers. But there was no way around it. We finished up the appointment and walked back to our cars. All the while Zach holding me. I don’t think he ever let go till we got to my car. I hated that I had to drive home but knowing that I would soon be in my bed got me through it. I don’t remember much of the drive. Zach went and got my prescription and met me home.
That night was one that I will never forget, one that I would never want to do again, and one that I would not wish on my worst enemy! It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I think Zach would agree. Without going into detail the specifics it was not a quick fix and it lasted from 9 at night until 4 in the morning at the emergency room. To and from the emergency room it was all a blur and I don’t remember much. The most clear of what I do remember was when I was awoken the next morning by a phone call from my mom. We had yet to tell her that I was pregnant because we wanted to wait and tell people when we heard the first heart beat. When I looked at my Cell phone and saw it was her I started to cry. I wanted my mom. I needed all the comfort I could get. I tried to answer with a controlled voice but mom’s know things and she knew right away something was wrong I told her what happened and she did the best she could of comforting me and giving me a hug over the phone. But nothing was working. Zach’s arms couldn’t hold me tight enough, my covers could not cover me deep enough, prayers were not comforting enough, nothing was enough. Despite my depression Zach was by my side through it all… he never left. He was strong! I don’t think I could have done it with out him. After a couple of days I began to feel somewhat normal. I had to get out of this funk because that weekend was Halloween and My Brother’s mission farewell that I had to sing at. So I started to try my best to get things under control within myself. When I was finally feeling like I might be normal again soon Zach and I were sitting on the bed watching a baseball game. Then out of the blue Zach began to tremble and shake. And the tears began to pour down his cheeks. I looked at him shocked then realizing this entire time he had not shed one tear. He was being so strong for me and making sure that I was ok that he didn’t even had a chance to feel what he needed to feel in order to heal. So I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as I could like he had been doing for me the past couple of days. It was at that moment that our relationship grew 100 degrees! I had never felt so close to my sweet hubbie like I had at that moment. This was truly a turning point in our relationship and we were ready to take on the world!
After some body recovery time we were given the ok by the Dr to start trying again. Again we had a few negative tests but on April 10th we got our exciting news and this time the news stuck. We were pregnant and as those weeks ticked on and I felt more and more safe (especially after we passed that 8 week mark) it was becoming more and more real to me that I was going to be a mom, something that mattered to me most in this world. The happiness of hearing that first heart beat, that first ultrasound, and the many ultrasounds to follow is more than one can possibly imagine! I am now 6 weeks away from meeting my long awaited angel and even through the pain, discomfort, and stretch marks I am getting I could not be more happier than I am. I can’t wait till I get to look in those eyes of my baby girl, kiss her chubba cheeks, count her fingers and pigs, and soak in every moment I can with her! My mom and grandma McNeely have been the most amazing examples to me of what an amazing mom can be and I hope that at least I can be a fraction to Rayni Lou of what My mom and grandma mean to me!
So as you can see… not an easy road to get where we are today. And even as crappy as it was at times and times that I would not want to relive, I am glad that my hubbie and I came out on the other side still holding each other tighter than we ever have before and stronger than we ever were. Sorry my first post and story was so long but I needed to catch everyone up. And most importantly I wanted Rayni Lou to know just how loved and appreciated she is because of the wait we had to finally get her!
Our First ultrasound at 10 weeks
14 Weeks
17 Weeks
21 Weeks
31 weeks
Sports games
Happy endings and beginnings!
